I had a total meltdown a few days ago. Why am I sharing this? So that hopefully those of you who like me were struggling to acknowledge your feelings and beating yourself up might know that you are not alone and also to share what has helped me in the hope it might just help you too!
I think I had been trying to ‘rise above’, not in an egotistical way, but trying to remain in a calm state about everything that is going on, who was I kidding? The more we got shut inside, the more the online presence became, the images, the opinions, the different pieces of advice, this works, that works, humour being thrown around followed by images of devastation and death, the online presence of people understandably trying to make a living and offering classes online, which at some stage I need to learn how to do, which already stresses me out. This seemed to follow with unprecedented amounts of emails being sent to me, it seems GDPR has gone out of the window and I am getting newsletters from people I’ve never heard of, and group messages sometimes accumulating over 70 messages in one 15 minutes period, seeing friends argue, and being sent constant images to circulate like chain mail, it all just totally got to me, and being online doesn’t particularly bode well with me and the way my ‘head’ deals with too much screen time.
What with that, the fear overload taking grip, trying to school kids at home, my two are teenage boys, one has ADHD and the other ADD, so you can imagine when they are present it can be busy and loud, however, they seem glued to their screens, hopefully doing work, though the flick of screens, whenever I check, leads me to believe not always.
On top of that some relationship disharmony at home which seems to have escalated in this current grip of energy.
I already have issues with focus, possibly knowing where my kids got their lack of focus from and as such because of a busy head I can become ungrounded very quickly. What with that and my Spiritual Practice which does help to take me out of my head, however, with this connection one can have I then also can become ungrounded, so it is something I regularly work on and luckily have become aware of. The key is becoming aware and knowing what to do about it. (I will cover this in another post)
I think the other issue is trying to push those shadow thoughts away when it all gets too much. My head felt like a pressure cooker about to go off, it ran down my chest and sat between my heart and solar plexus giving me pain. I found myself exhausted and ready to tip at the smallest of things, and I did, bursting into a torrent of tears and unable to express myself. My only thought was to go to bed with the hope I would ‘sleep it off’, of course, I didn’t, my head was whirling with those emotions/thoughts/self flagellations for being unable to deal with things, over and over until I gave up and got up.
Those shadows are to teach us a lesson, the fact I sat there in a space feeling I didn’t warrant the feelings of being upset as I have a roof over my head (for now at least), yet there are people in for instance India in far less accommodating circumstances, but then there are people in much better circumstances than me, but I wasn’t seeing any of that, all I was seeing was my own self-judgement as to whether I had a right to be upset, I should hold it all together.
I went for a walk, oh so simple and I say this with respect as I know some of you are unable to, I am extremely lucky that I have both a Common and a Park within a very short walk.
As soon as my feet hit the earth, those thoughts started to slow down and I became rational, I sat in the space where everybody has different circumstances, but all of that is so totally irrelevant to who has a right to be upset or not because we all live in our own reality and our fear, our pain, our tears, emotions are as real as the next person, no matter who you are we all have a right.
From this I granted myself to embrace my fears, to allow myself to cry, to reach out in whatever way I could to ask for Guidance, for help, both from the way that works for me, from the land and those close to me.
I went to Richmond Park with my egg rattle and one of my homemade crystal/wood malas that I often wear and visited a grove of trees very dear to my heart and sat under ‘my tree’ as I call her. This is after having asked permission to enter the grove’s space, after having greeted her, after having left her an offering, after having connected, placed my hand upon her trunk and feeling her heartbeat, then I sat down, my back against her.
I took in a deep breath, held my rattle in my right hand and started with a gentle beat, breathing gently, closing my eyes and feeling my body sinking into the ground, being supported and then I started my mantra as I worked my way around my mala.
I chose the words “I am at one with the Earth” and sang it 108 times, and I cannot tell you how much better I felt afterwards, connected, grounded, a moment of serenity, able to reflect calmly.
I am not saying it took away the enormity of the situation we are in, nor did it wipe away the sadness, or the fears, but it gave me the freedom to know that when I need I can find ways to express this without holding it in until I explode, to know that I can find ways to sit within this energy and find answers, to realise that somehow we will come through this as a collective. I see the land healing around me, I see how clean the park is, I hear birds I never heard before, the air seems cleaner, I see stars I couldn’t see before, I see the moon and it’s an iridescent glow around it like I’ve not seen before.
I know there is the other side, but we hang on to what we can in the belief that there will be a turning point, that there will be healing taking place.
If you get a chance to go out, touch the earth, to ground yourself, please do, breathe, sit down, find a tree, connect, listen and try to be present, drop down from your head into the ground in thought following your breath, see it through your body and feel pockets of calm.
I will be with my limited technology experience, so bear with me, be creating a grounding meditation focusing on being outdoors, especially for those of you who can’t get outside. Please watch this space!
Meanwhile, sending love and calm vibes to all of you.
Please feel to share with me your thoughts, your feelings, ways you have found that help you or ask advice, very happy to help where I can.
Does this resonate with any of you?
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Sending you all lots of love and calming vibes during this time, Justine xxx